This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals.

[fleurdeliseebckp]

I thought it was, actually (I'm referring to the title of this post, thanks The Used for the quote). I seriously thought I was over all of this three days ago (I found out the 8th).

It wasn't. As soon as I opened my f-list and began reading your reactions, the knot in my throat came back. As soon as I talked to Valérie and we planned our Panic-Grieving-Day-of-Doom, which will includes our weights in tissues and candies, both records, both DVDs and fucking candles, I felt my heart tearing apart a little bit more. Then of course I saw this, which brought the shakes back. Add to this behindthec's drabbles and that was it, I was fucking done.

I ran with my computer to my room, tripped over my suitcase and came face first with all the Panic pictures I have on my walls. I hadn't looked at a picture of them since the 8th, when I made my desktop blank, unable to stand them together. I still can't, but the pictures won't come down. I've had a Blink picture for years after they broke up (now I lost it though).

I still haven't cried though. I don't know if the tears will come. I hope they do, it would let it all out for good.

I know everyone is trying to get over it and me writing about it is just like turning the knife in the wound, I know, but I have to let it out.

Don't comment telling me all the pros, I know them all. Two records, them being happy, no more tension, Brendon finally having the opportunity to bloom as a musician, I know that, don't worry.

I just have to let the emo out. LJ is the only place I let myself talk freely about my emotions. I keep them in 99% of the time. I need this place to vent or else I'll implode.

This breakup, for a few hours, made me regret getting into them back in October. Only for a few hours though, because then I thought of all the wonderful people I met through this bandom and I would never, never give you guys up for all the avoided heartbreaks in the world.

Also, this is hard for me and Panic never was 'this band that saved my life'. But I can only imagine how I would react if My Chemical Romance was to break up (Actually, I can't. It doesn't go beyond 'no more will to live' :/). I can only imagine how you guys must be feeling, those of you who have Panic as that band.

I also thought about leaving bandom. Well, not bandom in itself, but the Panic-fics 'verse. I couldn't see how it would go on. Ryden that is. You know how strong my tinhat is. I could never 'ship anything else. But reading through my f-list convinced me to stay. Ryden will live, stronger than ever. I will, though, focus on past-days canon and AUs. Present-days canon, I'm not ready for that (except if it's really, really good, but I would only read it, not write it). This is perfect because my two main projects are AUs. I think, though that in a while, when everything dies down, we will be able to write them as a band again. Not canon or future-AUs. Just like, all those 'timeless' fics, that are set in no particular eras. Right now, just thinking about it hurts, but one day it'll be fine, I'm sure of that.

As I was saying in my reply to alphabetatoast, as long as I haven't seen them officially as two different bands, they still are Panic at the Disco in my mind. This is masochistic, self-destructive and non-constructive, but I can't help it. My brain's good with denial. It's a pro at it. Self-defense mechanisms for the win.

Just writing this eased a weight off my shoulders. Yes, I will still get these tiny moments of clarity and consciousness that will scream to me they are no longer a band, but I will be able to push them away until I'm able to deal with them.

(Now I only need to find a way to tell this to my over dramatic cousin who will have a fit of hysterics like she always does over every single thing I tell her.)

I'm excited about the new!Panic! (or to quote behindthec Panic: the next generation). The demo is very, very exciting.

While I wait for my broken heart to mend and the wounds to heal, I'll continue to play 'Three Little Birds' on repeat, thanking Brendon, Spencer and Pete for giving this to us to help us heal. This was so intentional I never loved them more.

And to think I downloaded it four days ago, blissfully unaware that it was our consolation prize for the end of the band as we knew it. To think I read through Brendon, Spencer, Jon, Ryan and Pete's tweets without ever putting the pieces together. I was blissfully thinking they were all going back to the old sound. The fall was hard.

I'm done being mad at Pete for not doing anything to keep them together. This was silly, but, I think, normal. Now I only want them to be happy.

Oh shit, a flash of reality hit me seconds ago, theyarenolongerabandfuckfuckfuck. It's gone now. I suck at grief, I'm still grieving my grandmother five years later, shut the fuck up and let me deal with this my way, please.


Epic Picspam of Boston and Salem That Will Be Epic to come soon. I need to do some cleaning in my pictures and steal some from my father (like one of the gorgeous guide we had last night) before I can begin to put it together.

I'm waiting on my Torchwood downloads impatiently. Especially since I mistakenly read some tweets that told me something happened to Ianto and Gwen is pregnant, so I'm really eager to see it for myself. I know I won't be deceived. I expect to cry.

This just appeared on TweetDeck. Just as we had guessed, Brendon&Spencer will go back to the Fever sound while Ryan&Jon will continue on the way of Pretty. Odd.

Through the whole week, I've been listening to three songs on repeat (except the evening of foreshadowing I had and listened to Fever twice before I knew anything). To apologize for the emo, I give you them.

They are all from Fevers and Mirrors, my favorite Bright Eyes record.



I wanted to be cool and give you only excerpt of lyrics but I couldn't choose my favorite parts of each songs, I love them all too much.

The Calendar Hung Itself...

Does he kiss your eyelids in the morning
When you start to raise your head?
And does he sing to you incessantly
From the space between your bed and wall?
Does he walk around all day at school
With his feet inside your shoes?
Looking down every few steps
To pretend he walks with you.

Does he know that place below your neck
That is your favorite to be touched?
And does he cry through broken sentences
And I love you far too much?
Does he lay awake listening to your breath?
Worried you smoke too many cigarettes.

Is he coughing now on a bathroom floor?
For every speck of tile
There is a thousand more
You won't ever see but must hold inside yourself eternally.

Well, I drug your ghost across the country
And we plotted out my death.
In every city, memories would whisper,
'Here is where you rest.'

I was determined in Chicago
but I dug my teeth into my knees
And I settled for a telephone and sang into your machine.
'You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.'

I kissed a girl with a broken jaw that her father gave to her.
She had eyes bright enough to burn me.
They reminded me of yours.
In a story told she was a little girl in a red-rouge,
sun-bruised field and there were rows of ripe tomatoes
Where a secret was concealed.

And it rose like thunder, clapped under our hands.
And it stretched for centuries
To a diary entry's end where I wrote:
'You make me happy when the skies are gray
You make me happy the skies are gray and gray and gray.'

Well the clock's heart it hangs inside its open chest
With its hands stretched towards the calendar hanging itself
But I will not weep for those dying days.
For all the ones who have left there is a few that stayed.
And they found me here
And pulled me from the grass where I was laid.

I wish this one didn't inspire me a fic so much. *files it away with other plot bunnies*

The Center of the World

At the center of the world
There is a statue of a girl
She is standing near a well
With a bucket bare and dry

I went and looked her in the eyes
And she turned me into sand
This clumsy form that I despise
Scattered easy in her hand

And it came to rest upon a beach
With a million others there
We sat and waited for the sea
To stretch out so that we could disappear
Into the endlessness of blue
Into the horror of the truth

We are far less than we knew
Yes, we are far less than we knew
But we knew what we could taste

Girls found honey to drench our hands
Men cut marble to mark our graves
Saying that we will need something to remind us
Of all the sweetness that has passed through us
(Fresh sangria and lemon tea)
The priests dressed children for a choir
(White-robed small voices praise Him)
But found no joy in what was sung

The funeral had begun in the middle of the day
When you drive home to your place
From that job that makes you sleep
Back to the thoughts that keep you awake
Long after night has come to claim
Any light that still remains in the corner of the frame
That you put around her face
Two pills just weren't enough
The alarm clock is going off but you are not waking up
This isn't happening, happening, happening, happening
It is

Sunrise, Sunset

Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset, swiftly go the days
Sunrise, sunset, you wake up then you undress, it always is the same
The sunrise and the sunsets, you're lying while you confess, keep trying to explain
The sunrise and the sunsets, you realise then you forget what you've been trying to retain

But everybody knows it's all about the things that get stuck inside of your head
Like the songs your roommate sings, a vision of her body as she stretches out on your bed
And she raised her hands in the air, asked you when was the last time you looked in the mirror
Because you've changed
Yeah, you've changed

The sunrise, the sunsets, you're hopeful and then you regret, the circle never breaks
With a sunrise and a sunset, there's a change of heart or address, is there nothing that remains?
For a sunrise or a sunset, you're manic or you're depressed, will you ever feel okay?
For a sunrise or a sunset, your lover is an actress, did you really think she'd stay?

For a sunrise or a sunset, you're either coming or you just left, but you're always on the way
Towards a sunrise or a sunset, a scribble or a sonnet, they are really just the same
To the sunrise or a sunset, the master and his servant have exactly the same fate
It's a sunrise and a sunset, from a cradle to a casket, there is no way to escape
The sunrise and a sunset, hold your sadness like a puppet, keep putting on the play

But everything you do is leading to the point where you just won't know what to do
At that moment you may laugh but there is someone there who will be laughing louder than you
So it's true, the trick is complete, you become everything you said you never would be
You're a fool; you're a fool!

Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset, sunrise and the sunsets
Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, the sunsets, the sunrise, the sunsets
Sunrise, sunset, go home to your apartment, put the cassette in the tape deck and let that fever play
Sunrise, sunset, where are you Arienette?
Where are you Arienette?


Oh and to add to the wonderful mood I've been in since Wednesday night, one of my great-aunt died today and I got in a fight with my father twice today. This is so awesome. At least I'm home and I can hide in my room.

Comments

[youfeelittoo.livejournal.com]

dude.

I tweeted the calender hung itself lyrics at Brendon a few weeks ago... :'D

and I so want sunrise, sunset on my wrists.
tattooed I mean.

also, I know what you mean about not wanting people giving you all the damn pros.

all I wanted to do was grieve while half of the fans were trying to be ressuring and the other half were talking so much shit. all I wanted to do was mope and be emo about it.

sigh.

sorry about your aunt. <3

[fleurdelisee.livejournal.com]

Aww, cute ^.^ I love this song so damn much. The 'you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray' parts make my heart swell and ache.

That would be awesome! Like, epic :D
Don't you just fucking die when Conor yells 'you're a fool!' in Sunrise, Sunset? I just want to hug him forever and tell him everything is going to be alright.

I know, right! I wanted to be fucking emo and see only the cons for a little while! I didn't want to be fucking rational about it!

It's okay, I barely knew her. Thanks though <3

[youfeelittoo.livejournal.com]

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray

that's exactly what I tweeted at him XD

pretty much anytime I hear conor sing I die.. especially in Road to Joy, guh.

I can't wait!! I have sooo many tattoos planned now all I need is a Job to pay for the, D':

[fleurdelisee.livejournal.com]

My cousin has had a stuffed sort-of-clown ever since she was born that plays that melody. It brings back so many memories of rocking her to sleep. When I heard it in the song I was seriously grinning like an idiot.

Oh god, yes, as well as Poison Oak and If Winter Ends. And Padraic My Prince. And Amy In The White Coat. And I've Been Eating For You. <3 I love Conor.

I want one too but I don't have money either D: My father doesn't approve but he would never see it, it would be behind my ear. Besides, I'm fucking 18, I do what I want! *stomps foot*

[youfeelittoo.livejournal.com]

a clown? I have a porcelan one that I love/hate.. it's only about 2-3 inches.. and it's kinda creepy.

If Winter Ends!! <3 oh what about A Perfect Sonnet? that was the first Bright Eyes song I ever heard.

haha, my mom paid for my music notes behind my ears for my 19th birthday. she really didn't want me to get them but she asked what I wanted and then on my birthday after we went out to dinner she stopped by the tattoo place and was like don't take long, I'll be outside. :')

you should get one!! of what would you want to?

[fleurdelisee.livejournal.com]

It's not creepy, it's more of a Pierrot in pastel colors.
Clowns are creepy, seriously. I don't mind the living ones, but anything representing them isn't great.

If Winter Ends is the first Bright Eyes song I ever heard <3
I don't have A Perfect Sonnet! D:

Mine paid for my nose ring when I was 14 but refused to pay for anything else. I had to pay for my ear cartilage one and definitely will have to pay for my tattoo.

I want something like this behind my ear.

Probably the bottom right one.
I'm really not sure yet so it's a good thing I can't afford it.
It would either be this or music notes, because I am so unoriginal :P