There Are Known Knowns and Unknown Knowns
Jan. 23rd, 2009 12:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fleurdeliseebckpTitle:There Are Known Knowns and Unknown Knowns
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
fleurdelisee
Beta:feartheworld
Word Count:4,025 words
Rating:PG-13 (some f-words)
Pairing:Ryan/Brendon
POV:Third POV, Brendon centric.
Summary:‘The Worst Christmas in the History of Christmas Celebrating’ aka ‘The Day Ryan Broke His Heart Like The Cold-Hearted Bitch He Is’.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters mentioned in this fic. If you found this by Googling your name, please, for the sake of my mental health, go away. Or if you decide to stick around, please, don't tell me who you are.
Author Notes:The inspiration came on a rainy November day, the kind of days I listen to “Bleeding Mascara” and embrace the remnants of emo in me. I know it’s kind of late for a kindasortof Christmas fic but I was too lazy to edit it before. The title is from a piece of art I saw at the exhibition “Sympathy for the Devil: Art and Rock ‘n Roll since 1967” at the Museum of Contemporary Arts of Montreal.
Winter
The air is cold as Brendon walks out of the apartment building. The wind blows, and the weather channel lady said that it would cause the temperature to feel ten degrees lower. It casts tears in his eyes and he annoyingly wipes them away. He is not crying. No. He will not shed a tear over him.
“I am so fucking sick of your—“
“Yes Jim, as you can see on the map, Mother Nature is not on our side today, with temperatures sinking to -22˚F with the wind chill…”
“—listen to me!”
The snow creaks under his feet as he speeds up. He doesn’t know where he is going. He has to wait until Ryan is away so he can go get his things. Ryan’s request. Ahead of him, a man falls on a patch of ice and Brendon snickers. On a normal day, he would help the man up. But this is not a normal day, and Brendon doesn’t feel like helping anyone.
Every inches of his skin exposed burns. Frozen tears are making it hard for him to blink – the wind, it’s all because of the wind – and his nose his running. He’s definitely going to lose a toe or two.
He enters the Starbucks as if it was an oasis in the middle of the desert. He orders a large Peppermint Mocha Twist and the waitress winks at him as she wishes him a merry Christmas. He hides in a booth – their booth – and glares at the wall. Then at his coffee. After one sip though, he apologizes to it and turns his glare to a painting on the wall opposite to him.
A part of him wishes for someone he knows to walk in. Or not even someone he knows. It can be a fan. Or something. Just someone to talk to him. So he can feel human. So he can feel like he’s not some weirdo stuck hundreds of miles away from home, with no where to go and no one loving him in this whole goddamn city. But the other part wants to be left alone to curl up and die. Because he’s some weirdo stuck hundreds of miles away from home, with no where to go and no one loving him in this whole goddamn city.
On Christmas day. Because Ryan can’t only be an asshole and break up with him. No. Ryan has to be an asshole and break up with him on Christmas day. Brendon could be hundreds of miles away, home. Where there’s no snow. And no cold. And no ice and no hail and no heartbreaker called Ryan. No white Christmas and no cuddling under the covers because the heating broke down. No waking up to Ryan’s smiling face…
He is not crying. He blames the heating, that’s too warm and makes his eyes dry. As if someone he knows would walk in. They’re all with their families, enjoying all the family stuff. The stuff he could have, if Ryan wasn’t this good at manipulating people, and ‘Please Brendon, I want to leave this state and go far, far away, where we can have a new beginning just the two of us’.
Countless hours and coffees later, Brendon’s Sidekick goes on, and somewhere inside of him, a little voice cheers because it’s Ryan and he wants him back home. ‘I’m out for an hour. Your stuff is by the door.’ The lump in his throat is only there because he doesn’t want to go outside in the cold. It has nothing to do with Ryan being a cold-hearted bitch.
Next to their – Ryan’s – door, three suitcases. That’s all it needed to pack all of his belongings? On top, a large envelope with ‘Merry Christmas’ written on it and inside, a plane ticket. To Las Vegas. Now Brendon is crying, like a big girl, clinging to the envelope like it is Ryan. Then he stops, because Ryan had planned his thing. He booked the flight a week ago.
Spring
Brendon pushes open the door of the recording studio, a knot in his stomach and a lump in his throat. First time he’ll see Ryan since The Worst Christmas in the History of Christmas Celebrating aka The Day Ryan Broke His Heart Like The Cold-Hearted Bitch He Is.
First real contact with Ryan. The ‘happy bday' text doesn’t count, of course. Brendon suspects Spencer to have forced Ryan to send this. Or to have typed it himself with Ryan's phone.
The three of them are already there, waiting for Brendon. His flight was delayed, and he got stuck in traffic. But now he’s there and Ryan is and the whole world is spinning around him because Ryan is there. And then Brendon wants to cry.
But it seems like Ryan moved on, because he hugs Brendon and Brendon dies right then right now. He doesn’t hug back, because if he wraps his arms around Ryan, he’s going to cling to him and never let go, and the wounds aren't healed enough to make a fool of himself in front of Ryan.
The bickering is back, the annoyed sighs, the door slamming and the feet thumping along with it. But now they can’t kiss it off. Because Ryan broke up. And now Brendon is immune to Ryan’s pouting faces and glares. He doesn’t want to give in to his caprices.
Sure, as soon as Jon gets the chance to corner him, he wants to know what happened. Why Brendon suddenly flew to Las Vegas and shut everyone out and where he stayed until yesterday. Why Ryan seems happier than ever – that one hurt so much that Brendon lost his breath – and why does Spencer hover over Ryan like someone’s going to harm him. And why won’t anyone answer his questions, and the door slams and Brendon can’t feel bad about it.
Then she walks in and Ryan’s smile lights the whole room and Brendon breaks a string of his guitar and Spencer glares at him and Jon throws his arms in the air and calls them a bunch of assholes and storms out of the room. Ryan doesn’t notice the tears in Brendon’s eyes, and Spencer’s face softens and he moves towards Brendon but he flees before he can receive a dose of Spencer’s Motherly Cuddles because that would, for sure, make him cry. Which he isn’t, right now, by the way, thank you very much.
A knock on his hotel room, two friendly faces smiling at him. And now he’s crying because this will not leave the hotel room and no one will know about it. He cries until he can’t anymore, and he falls asleep cuddled with Jon, and with Spencer stroking his hair soothingly and whispering in his ear that “everything will be just fine Bren, just you wait”. But how can he say that, when Spencer knows Ryan and knows how addictive Ryan is. Spencer is too trapped in Ryan's charms, caught by his golden eyes and his shy smiles.
The recording is almost over, thank goodness. But then will come the touring and that means days – months – in a bus with Ryan and Brendon doesn’t know if he can survive this. Jon keeps telling him to think of the fans, and to act as if Ryan wasn’t there, that it will be easier and less painful and he couldn’t agree more but he just can’t. It’s like asking a sunflower to ignore the sun, as bad as the metaphor is. He can’t help but to be attracted towards Ryan whenever he walks in. As hard as he wants to stay away, it’s like he’s a piece of metal confronted by a strong magnet (if Ryan wasn't such a heartless bitch, he would definitely go ask him some metaphor lessons, because he can't come up with anything good). It’s physically impossible for him not to gravitate towards Ryan. And it kills him so much he wants to scream and trash things and throw a tantrum.
Summer
The first days of the tour, Brendon tried to be forgotten at the venues. He hid backstage and it’s only after Spencer had really scary fits that he would come out and climb on the bus, where Ryan would tell him he’s insane and laugh, as if it was normal and he had not broken his heart seven months ago.
Now Brendon’s just denying reality. He is not on a tour bus with Ryan. He is not sitting next to him on a couch, while he’s texting his girlfriend with a stupid grin on his stupid face. He is not talking to Ryan as if nothing happened, and Ryan isn’t oblivious to Brendon’s state of mind.
But to his surprise, Brendon is good at pretending everything is fine. Or people are kind enough to pretend he’s good at pretending. Even during interviews, when he’s being asked about his personal life, he grins and avoids the question like he always did. It feels so natural that he’s a bit scared. It shouldn’t be this easy to lie to everyone. Someday, something really bad will happen and all of what he’s been building, his façade will fall and he’ll be really screwed up.
Because he's never good at hiding his feelings. How many times his relationship with Ryan almost slipped out of his mouth during interviews? How often did his parents knew he was hiding something to them, until The Second Worst Day Of His Life or When His Parents Found Out About The Band AND About Ryan And Kicked Him Out?
He just has to be really careful. He just has to keep control of everything he says, and does. It’s doable. But he’s Brendon, and he’s impulsive and controlling himself as much as he’s been doing lately begins to drive him mad but he has to cope with it because. Because otherwise, it would be like the apocalypse. He can only begin to imagine how Ryan would react if he knew that Brendon’s not over him after so long.
And everything was just fine in Brendon's World of Lies, until someone suggested they stopped at a Starbucks. They day has been long, Brendon feels grumpy and Ryan is talking on the phone to his girlfriend in that silly squeaky voice that used to belong to Brendon and only Brendon. And then Jon comes back with coffees and Brendon looks down at his Peppermint Mocha Twist – "This was just too much like you, Bren. Christmas in July!" – and before he knows it, tears are running down his cheeks without him being able to stop them. It tastes like heartbreak and cold Christmas day and it's more than what he is able to handle without breaking down.
Ryan's face is horrified. And Brendon isn't even sobbing. Just silent tears rolling down his cheeks, and it's so much worst than if he was having a fit, because the pain just seems even bigger. In a flash, Jon and Spencer are by his side, cooing and hugging, but Ryan is petrified. He's staring at Brendon, and Brendon is staring right back, and it's the longest minute ever, and then Ryan understands and bows his head and leaves. Brendon might have seen tears down Ryan's cheeks, but he can't be sure and he's certainly not bothered. That's totally not why he starts crying even more.
Brendon sees Spencer going after him, and then Brendon snaps out of it and wipes his eyes. He grins up at Jon and bites his lip. Jon looks at him, tender and caring, because now they've seen behind Brendon's façade, he needs them and they'll never leave him alone ever again.
The warm sun of July is slowly setting as they reach the bus, Jon with his arm around Brendon's shoulders. Outside of it, Ryan and Spencer are talking. The setting sun glows in Ryan's hair and when he looks at Brendon, it's with infinite tenderness and something that, if Brendon was as desperate as everyone thinks he is, he would see as regrets. But it's Ryan and it's Brendon and Ryan never regrets anything and Brendon needs to move on.
As of that day, Spencer and Jon refuse to let Brendon alone. Whenever he seems sad, they try to cheer him up to change his mind. When they know Ryan's girlfriend is coming, they keep him far from them. They agree to go everywhere Brendon wants, might it be Build-a-Bear Workshop or the latest Disney movie. Brendon is not allowed to be sad anymore. He's Brendon and Brendon can't be sad and gloomy. If he is, he needs to snap out of it, because in JonandSpencer's mind, there are three Horrible-End-of-the-World things: Nuclear war, genocides and Sad-Brendon. Brendon is annoyed, yes, but at the same time, he enjoys the company and he has to admit that it hurts less now. He can be in the same room than Ryan without wanting to throw himself in front of the wheels of the bus.
Autumn
Brendon is over Ryan. He really is, now, one hundred percent sure. Everything is back to normal between them – well, pre-dating-normal (well, pre-dating-and-pre-falling-in-love normal) – and everyone breathes better now. The shows improved. The atmosphere in the bus improved.
Until it's Ryan's turn to break down. She left him, no one really knows why. He's a mere shadow of himself. If Brendon's heart could still break – he used Krazy Glue (he discovered that product at a Home Depot while with Jon, “Jwalk! It's written with a K and it glues everything! Can I buy some say yes please please please!”) to mend it because now he feels stronger, harder – he would for Ryan. He's really painful to look at.
Brendon can't help but wonder, why is he so down? They hadn't been together for more than 10 months. He can't be this broken down after only ten months. Because Brendon has never been good with delicacy – never, ever – he asks him.
When he gets the answer, his first wonder is how will the band survive with only two sane members? Because he felt his heart not only breaking, but exploding, imploding, tearing in thousands of pieces, bursting in fire, freezing to a block of ice which broke down in thousands of pieces. Not to say how his mind collapsed on itself and turned into power saving mode, allowing him to breath and blink. No heart beating needed as it's now in the form of pinkish-reddish ice pieces in his chest.
Ryan was cheating on him. With that girl. For over five months. It explains the plane ticket, booked a week before. And as Ryan says that, the look on his face as he sees Brendon's face, it's the epitome of guilt. Brendon runs out of the bus and seeks for Spencer or Jon or anyone he can cry on, because right now, right fucking now, he needs to cry.
Spencer is the miserable, unlucky guy who Brendon crosses first. He collapses and breaks down, and Spencer needs Jon's help to drag him to the dressing room and on a couch. Brendon's sobs can be heard from outside the room, and people are really worried because, woah, it sounds like Brendon's voice but it can't be because Brendon doesn't cry, he can't, it means the end of the world if a boy like Brendon cries.
For the first time, Brendon sees Spencer mad at Ryan. He hears him too, once they are back to their bus. He's cuddling Jon in the back lounge, and they both cringe each time Spencer's voice raises and yells to Ryan how much of an asshole he is. Then Ryan yells back, words that hurt Brendon because he hears the reasons why Ryan cheated on him. With each venomous words escaping Ryan's mouth, Jon brings him closer, until Brendon is sitting in his lap and hiding his face in Jon's shoulder with his hands over his ears and Jon's hands keeping him close, shielding him.
The tour ends, and Brendon flies back to Las Vegas and tries to forget Ryan, for the second time. He really tries to clear his mind of him, to move on. Jon visits him a few times and Spencer too, and it's great because no one mentions Ryan. He doesn't want to know if Ryan copes with his own break up. He doesn't care.
He thinks. He's not sure. Okay, let's say Ryan comes to see him, crying and asking Brendon to forgive him and to move back with him, Brendon would totally say yes, because Ryan is Ryan and he loves him, still, and forever.
Pete does call from times to times, feeding him with news from everyone, including Ryan. It's never big things, it's more like 'Ryan came over for dinner yesterday, he looked weird but it's Ryan, so, you know…' and Brendon chuckles and does as if nothing was weird.
Winter
Spencer wakes Brendon on Christmas morning. It really pisses him, because he wanted to sleep through this horrible anniversary and pretend everything is fine on the next morning. Maybe go and get killed in the crowds of Boxing Day sales. Or jump off his window.
He doesn't know why he's sitting on this stupid plane, going to stupid Chicago, to see stupid Ryan who needs help, supposedly. He could have back away, run away from the airport and celebrate Christmas with his family, instead of going to meet another heartbreak. Because if Ryan needs any help it's a shoulder to cry on, and nothing else. And he could have asked Jon, or even Pete, not Brendon who lives hundreds of miles away.
The air outside the airport is cold. He's freezing from head to toes, especially toes. How could he forget in not only a year that Chucks are too cold for winter, he doesn't know. He waits for a cab, but instead finds Jon waiting for him with an uneasy smile.
He was expecting Spencer, like any rational people would when being told someone was coming from Nevada to help Ryan. As he drops Brendon in front of Ryan's block, he reminds him he's a phone call away if he needs anything. Then hugs him and won't let go. Brendon even thinks Jon tried to drag him back to his car. Brendon had to push him away for Jon to unhook his arms and pat Brendon's back encouragingly. His eyes clearly say 'don't you dare let him get to you Brendon.'
Brendon kept his key, so he enters Ryan's apartment, shaking from nerves. He looks around, searching for Ryan. He enters the living room and freezes because his Christmas tree, the one he put up the year before while Ryan was baking gingerbread cookies and making eggnog and singing carols and fucking a girl behind his back, is there, all bright and colorful and shining, in all of its glory as if the last year was just a dream.
He knows it's his. He recognizes the decorations - “Disney ones! Oh my god Ryan we are so buying and you won't stop me.” - and the slightly crooked star at the top of it (they were both to small to reach it so Ryan ended on Brendon's shoulder and almost fell in the tree).
He sees Ryan lying under it, a bottle of wine in his hand. Christmas carols are playing on his stereo, and he hears Ryan's faint voice singing along. He silently crosses the familiar room and, sighing, he gets on the floor and lies next to Ryan. He grabs the bottle and takes a sip of it. Brendon ignores Ryan's stare and concentrates on the flashing lights over his head, trying to imagine he's five years old and in his parents' living room.
"I'm sorry." Ryan's voice is a whisper.
"It's about time." Brendon says and bites his lip, because that was rude and he doesn't really mean it.
"The tree's been there since last year. I never unmade it."
"You're ridiculous."
"I told you it was a good idea to get a fake one." Ryan says, apparently oblivious to everything Brendon might say.
"Real ones smell better."
"But we wouldn't be lying there if we had listened to you, because the real one would be rotten and I wouldn't have made one this year." His tone his sharp and hard and Brendon kind of preferred being ignored after all.
"What was her opinion on it? Was she a fake or a natural? I guess she was a fake, just like you." Brendon spits and Ryan takes the bottle out of Brendon's hand and drinks.
"Leave her out of this."
Brendon snorts and jerks the bottle out of Ryan's hand, but it's empty.
"Fucker, you could have let me some."
"Fucker, you could have said something instead of letting me push you away like I did last year." Ryan snaps and Brendon gets up, because he didn't come to be reminded of last year.
Ryan follows him and holds his arm as Brendon heads for the front door.
"Let me go. That's all you wanted last year." Brendon whispers, because if he speaks louder, he'll cry. It wasn't supposed to happen. Ryan was not supposed to want him back. He should have let Jon drag him to his car.
"No." Comes Ryan's whispered answer, and Brendon turns around in a flash and glares through his tears at Ryan.
"No? Fuck you Ross! You told me to get the fuck out of your life, that you were sick of me and of everything I did! You broke up! On Christmas day!"
"I was testing you, oh my god! I thought you knew me enough by then! You know me! You know I always test the people I love to see if they'll come back!"
"And the girl? You had booked my flight a week before you broke up." Brendon's crying now, because no, no, no, it can be true, he can't be that blind.
"I had planned for us to go see your parents and Spencer for Christmas. I waited for you to come back for hours. I called Jon, and Pete, to see if you called them or something. I was expecting you to come back and you know, just ask if we were okay now. You never came Brendon, and I cried so fucking much I think I broke vessels in my brains.”
"The girl Ryan. The girl!"
"I lied! Come on, you think I would have cheated on you for real? Brendon! You're like the fucking sun; you blind me! I can't see anyone else when I have you! I don't need anyone else than you!" (Before his mind processes what Ryan said, he can't help but notice that after all, Ryan might not be the best one to give him metaphor lessons.)
Brendon's speechless, because he's rewinding the whole year in his head and now he understands Ryan's attitude. He was acting as if Brendon had broken up, not him.
"You never understood I was testing you." Ryan says in a gasp. "You thought I really broke up with you. That's why you were so. So broken." Ryan's eyes fill with tears and Brendon finds himself hugging him.
"You're a motherfucking idiot Ross."
"I know, right?" Ryan chuckles through his tears and hugs Brendon back. "I'm so sorry. You must hate me."
"I hated you for the last year. Not so much now. I mean, it's all a big misunderstanding, and you're not a heartless cheating bitch, so everything will be fine. I brought like two pounds of my mother's gingerbread cookies. You want some?" Ryan smiles at Brendon and nods, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.
“...you just heard 'I'll Be Home For Christmas'! Now on with the weather forecast, Suzie?”
“Today's the perfect day to cuddle in front of a fireplace, as temperatures will lower to -15ºF with eighty percent chances of a snow storm. Tomorrow...”
They entwine their hands and beam at each other through wet eyes and that dizzy post-crying feeling, and when they kiss it tastes of cold Christmas day and love.
Author:
fleurdeliseeBeta:
feartheworldWord Count:4,025 words
Rating:PG-13 (some f-words)
Pairing:Ryan/Brendon
POV:Third POV, Brendon centric.
Summary:‘The Worst Christmas in the History of Christmas Celebrating’ aka ‘The Day Ryan Broke His Heart Like The Cold-Hearted Bitch He Is’.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters mentioned in this fic. If you found this by Googling your name, please, for the sake of my mental health, go away. Or if you decide to stick around, please, don't tell me who you are.
Author Notes:The inspiration came on a rainy November day, the kind of days I listen to “Bleeding Mascara” and embrace the remnants of emo in me. I know it’s kind of late for a kindasortof Christmas fic but I was too lazy to edit it before. The title is from a piece of art I saw at the exhibition “Sympathy for the Devil: Art and Rock ‘n Roll since 1967” at the Museum of Contemporary Arts of Montreal.
Winter
The air is cold as Brendon walks out of the apartment building. The wind blows, and the weather channel lady said that it would cause the temperature to feel ten degrees lower. It casts tears in his eyes and he annoyingly wipes them away. He is not crying. No. He will not shed a tear over him.
“I am so fucking sick of your—“
“Yes Jim, as you can see on the map, Mother Nature is not on our side today, with temperatures sinking to -22˚F with the wind chill…”
“—listen to me!”
The snow creaks under his feet as he speeds up. He doesn’t know where he is going. He has to wait until Ryan is away so he can go get his things. Ryan’s request. Ahead of him, a man falls on a patch of ice and Brendon snickers. On a normal day, he would help the man up. But this is not a normal day, and Brendon doesn’t feel like helping anyone.
Every inches of his skin exposed burns. Frozen tears are making it hard for him to blink – the wind, it’s all because of the wind – and his nose his running. He’s definitely going to lose a toe or two.
He enters the Starbucks as if it was an oasis in the middle of the desert. He orders a large Peppermint Mocha Twist and the waitress winks at him as she wishes him a merry Christmas. He hides in a booth – their booth – and glares at the wall. Then at his coffee. After one sip though, he apologizes to it and turns his glare to a painting on the wall opposite to him.
A part of him wishes for someone he knows to walk in. Or not even someone he knows. It can be a fan. Or something. Just someone to talk to him. So he can feel human. So he can feel like he’s not some weirdo stuck hundreds of miles away from home, with no where to go and no one loving him in this whole goddamn city. But the other part wants to be left alone to curl up and die. Because he’s some weirdo stuck hundreds of miles away from home, with no where to go and no one loving him in this whole goddamn city.
On Christmas day. Because Ryan can’t only be an asshole and break up with him. No. Ryan has to be an asshole and break up with him on Christmas day. Brendon could be hundreds of miles away, home. Where there’s no snow. And no cold. And no ice and no hail and no heartbreaker called Ryan. No white Christmas and no cuddling under the covers because the heating broke down. No waking up to Ryan’s smiling face…
He is not crying. He blames the heating, that’s too warm and makes his eyes dry. As if someone he knows would walk in. They’re all with their families, enjoying all the family stuff. The stuff he could have, if Ryan wasn’t this good at manipulating people, and ‘Please Brendon, I want to leave this state and go far, far away, where we can have a new beginning just the two of us’.
Countless hours and coffees later, Brendon’s Sidekick goes on, and somewhere inside of him, a little voice cheers because it’s Ryan and he wants him back home. ‘I’m out for an hour. Your stuff is by the door.’ The lump in his throat is only there because he doesn’t want to go outside in the cold. It has nothing to do with Ryan being a cold-hearted bitch.
Next to their – Ryan’s – door, three suitcases. That’s all it needed to pack all of his belongings? On top, a large envelope with ‘Merry Christmas’ written on it and inside, a plane ticket. To Las Vegas. Now Brendon is crying, like a big girl, clinging to the envelope like it is Ryan. Then he stops, because Ryan had planned his thing. He booked the flight a week ago.
Spring
Brendon pushes open the door of the recording studio, a knot in his stomach and a lump in his throat. First time he’ll see Ryan since The Worst Christmas in the History of Christmas Celebrating aka The Day Ryan Broke His Heart Like The Cold-Hearted Bitch He Is.
First real contact with Ryan. The ‘happy bday' text doesn’t count, of course. Brendon suspects Spencer to have forced Ryan to send this. Or to have typed it himself with Ryan's phone.
The three of them are already there, waiting for Brendon. His flight was delayed, and he got stuck in traffic. But now he’s there and Ryan is and the whole world is spinning around him because Ryan is there. And then Brendon wants to cry.
But it seems like Ryan moved on, because he hugs Brendon and Brendon dies right then right now. He doesn’t hug back, because if he wraps his arms around Ryan, he’s going to cling to him and never let go, and the wounds aren't healed enough to make a fool of himself in front of Ryan.
The bickering is back, the annoyed sighs, the door slamming and the feet thumping along with it. But now they can’t kiss it off. Because Ryan broke up. And now Brendon is immune to Ryan’s pouting faces and glares. He doesn’t want to give in to his caprices.
Sure, as soon as Jon gets the chance to corner him, he wants to know what happened. Why Brendon suddenly flew to Las Vegas and shut everyone out and where he stayed until yesterday. Why Ryan seems happier than ever – that one hurt so much that Brendon lost his breath – and why does Spencer hover over Ryan like someone’s going to harm him. And why won’t anyone answer his questions, and the door slams and Brendon can’t feel bad about it.
Then she walks in and Ryan’s smile lights the whole room and Brendon breaks a string of his guitar and Spencer glares at him and Jon throws his arms in the air and calls them a bunch of assholes and storms out of the room. Ryan doesn’t notice the tears in Brendon’s eyes, and Spencer’s face softens and he moves towards Brendon but he flees before he can receive a dose of Spencer’s Motherly Cuddles because that would, for sure, make him cry. Which he isn’t, right now, by the way, thank you very much.
A knock on his hotel room, two friendly faces smiling at him. And now he’s crying because this will not leave the hotel room and no one will know about it. He cries until he can’t anymore, and he falls asleep cuddled with Jon, and with Spencer stroking his hair soothingly and whispering in his ear that “everything will be just fine Bren, just you wait”. But how can he say that, when Spencer knows Ryan and knows how addictive Ryan is. Spencer is too trapped in Ryan's charms, caught by his golden eyes and his shy smiles.
The recording is almost over, thank goodness. But then will come the touring and that means days – months – in a bus with Ryan and Brendon doesn’t know if he can survive this. Jon keeps telling him to think of the fans, and to act as if Ryan wasn’t there, that it will be easier and less painful and he couldn’t agree more but he just can’t. It’s like asking a sunflower to ignore the sun, as bad as the metaphor is. He can’t help but to be attracted towards Ryan whenever he walks in. As hard as he wants to stay away, it’s like he’s a piece of metal confronted by a strong magnet (if Ryan wasn't such a heartless bitch, he would definitely go ask him some metaphor lessons, because he can't come up with anything good). It’s physically impossible for him not to gravitate towards Ryan. And it kills him so much he wants to scream and trash things and throw a tantrum.
Summer
The first days of the tour, Brendon tried to be forgotten at the venues. He hid backstage and it’s only after Spencer had really scary fits that he would come out and climb on the bus, where Ryan would tell him he’s insane and laugh, as if it was normal and he had not broken his heart seven months ago.
Now Brendon’s just denying reality. He is not on a tour bus with Ryan. He is not sitting next to him on a couch, while he’s texting his girlfriend with a stupid grin on his stupid face. He is not talking to Ryan as if nothing happened, and Ryan isn’t oblivious to Brendon’s state of mind.
But to his surprise, Brendon is good at pretending everything is fine. Or people are kind enough to pretend he’s good at pretending. Even during interviews, when he’s being asked about his personal life, he grins and avoids the question like he always did. It feels so natural that he’s a bit scared. It shouldn’t be this easy to lie to everyone. Someday, something really bad will happen and all of what he’s been building, his façade will fall and he’ll be really screwed up.
Because he's never good at hiding his feelings. How many times his relationship with Ryan almost slipped out of his mouth during interviews? How often did his parents knew he was hiding something to them, until The Second Worst Day Of His Life or When His Parents Found Out About The Band AND About Ryan And Kicked Him Out?
He just has to be really careful. He just has to keep control of everything he says, and does. It’s doable. But he’s Brendon, and he’s impulsive and controlling himself as much as he’s been doing lately begins to drive him mad but he has to cope with it because. Because otherwise, it would be like the apocalypse. He can only begin to imagine how Ryan would react if he knew that Brendon’s not over him after so long.
And everything was just fine in Brendon's World of Lies, until someone suggested they stopped at a Starbucks. They day has been long, Brendon feels grumpy and Ryan is talking on the phone to his girlfriend in that silly squeaky voice that used to belong to Brendon and only Brendon. And then Jon comes back with coffees and Brendon looks down at his Peppermint Mocha Twist – "This was just too much like you, Bren. Christmas in July!" – and before he knows it, tears are running down his cheeks without him being able to stop them. It tastes like heartbreak and cold Christmas day and it's more than what he is able to handle without breaking down.
Ryan's face is horrified. And Brendon isn't even sobbing. Just silent tears rolling down his cheeks, and it's so much worst than if he was having a fit, because the pain just seems even bigger. In a flash, Jon and Spencer are by his side, cooing and hugging, but Ryan is petrified. He's staring at Brendon, and Brendon is staring right back, and it's the longest minute ever, and then Ryan understands and bows his head and leaves. Brendon might have seen tears down Ryan's cheeks, but he can't be sure and he's certainly not bothered. That's totally not why he starts crying even more.
Brendon sees Spencer going after him, and then Brendon snaps out of it and wipes his eyes. He grins up at Jon and bites his lip. Jon looks at him, tender and caring, because now they've seen behind Brendon's façade, he needs them and they'll never leave him alone ever again.
The warm sun of July is slowly setting as they reach the bus, Jon with his arm around Brendon's shoulders. Outside of it, Ryan and Spencer are talking. The setting sun glows in Ryan's hair and when he looks at Brendon, it's with infinite tenderness and something that, if Brendon was as desperate as everyone thinks he is, he would see as regrets. But it's Ryan and it's Brendon and Ryan never regrets anything and Brendon needs to move on.
As of that day, Spencer and Jon refuse to let Brendon alone. Whenever he seems sad, they try to cheer him up to change his mind. When they know Ryan's girlfriend is coming, they keep him far from them. They agree to go everywhere Brendon wants, might it be Build-a-Bear Workshop or the latest Disney movie. Brendon is not allowed to be sad anymore. He's Brendon and Brendon can't be sad and gloomy. If he is, he needs to snap out of it, because in JonandSpencer's mind, there are three Horrible-End-of-the-World things: Nuclear war, genocides and Sad-Brendon. Brendon is annoyed, yes, but at the same time, he enjoys the company and he has to admit that it hurts less now. He can be in the same room than Ryan without wanting to throw himself in front of the wheels of the bus.
Autumn
Brendon is over Ryan. He really is, now, one hundred percent sure. Everything is back to normal between them – well, pre-dating-normal (well, pre-dating-and-pre-falling-in-love normal) – and everyone breathes better now. The shows improved. The atmosphere in the bus improved.
Until it's Ryan's turn to break down. She left him, no one really knows why. He's a mere shadow of himself. If Brendon's heart could still break – he used Krazy Glue (he discovered that product at a Home Depot while with Jon, “Jwalk! It's written with a K and it glues everything! Can I buy some say yes please please please!”) to mend it because now he feels stronger, harder – he would for Ryan. He's really painful to look at.
Brendon can't help but wonder, why is he so down? They hadn't been together for more than 10 months. He can't be this broken down after only ten months. Because Brendon has never been good with delicacy – never, ever – he asks him.
When he gets the answer, his first wonder is how will the band survive with only two sane members? Because he felt his heart not only breaking, but exploding, imploding, tearing in thousands of pieces, bursting in fire, freezing to a block of ice which broke down in thousands of pieces. Not to say how his mind collapsed on itself and turned into power saving mode, allowing him to breath and blink. No heart beating needed as it's now in the form of pinkish-reddish ice pieces in his chest.
Ryan was cheating on him. With that girl. For over five months. It explains the plane ticket, booked a week before. And as Ryan says that, the look on his face as he sees Brendon's face, it's the epitome of guilt. Brendon runs out of the bus and seeks for Spencer or Jon or anyone he can cry on, because right now, right fucking now, he needs to cry.
Spencer is the miserable, unlucky guy who Brendon crosses first. He collapses and breaks down, and Spencer needs Jon's help to drag him to the dressing room and on a couch. Brendon's sobs can be heard from outside the room, and people are really worried because, woah, it sounds like Brendon's voice but it can't be because Brendon doesn't cry, he can't, it means the end of the world if a boy like Brendon cries.
For the first time, Brendon sees Spencer mad at Ryan. He hears him too, once they are back to their bus. He's cuddling Jon in the back lounge, and they both cringe each time Spencer's voice raises and yells to Ryan how much of an asshole he is. Then Ryan yells back, words that hurt Brendon because he hears the reasons why Ryan cheated on him. With each venomous words escaping Ryan's mouth, Jon brings him closer, until Brendon is sitting in his lap and hiding his face in Jon's shoulder with his hands over his ears and Jon's hands keeping him close, shielding him.
The tour ends, and Brendon flies back to Las Vegas and tries to forget Ryan, for the second time. He really tries to clear his mind of him, to move on. Jon visits him a few times and Spencer too, and it's great because no one mentions Ryan. He doesn't want to know if Ryan copes with his own break up. He doesn't care.
He thinks. He's not sure. Okay, let's say Ryan comes to see him, crying and asking Brendon to forgive him and to move back with him, Brendon would totally say yes, because Ryan is Ryan and he loves him, still, and forever.
Pete does call from times to times, feeding him with news from everyone, including Ryan. It's never big things, it's more like 'Ryan came over for dinner yesterday, he looked weird but it's Ryan, so, you know…' and Brendon chuckles and does as if nothing was weird.
Winter
Spencer wakes Brendon on Christmas morning. It really pisses him, because he wanted to sleep through this horrible anniversary and pretend everything is fine on the next morning. Maybe go and get killed in the crowds of Boxing Day sales. Or jump off his window.
He doesn't know why he's sitting on this stupid plane, going to stupid Chicago, to see stupid Ryan who needs help, supposedly. He could have back away, run away from the airport and celebrate Christmas with his family, instead of going to meet another heartbreak. Because if Ryan needs any help it's a shoulder to cry on, and nothing else. And he could have asked Jon, or even Pete, not Brendon who lives hundreds of miles away.
The air outside the airport is cold. He's freezing from head to toes, especially toes. How could he forget in not only a year that Chucks are too cold for winter, he doesn't know. He waits for a cab, but instead finds Jon waiting for him with an uneasy smile.
He was expecting Spencer, like any rational people would when being told someone was coming from Nevada to help Ryan. As he drops Brendon in front of Ryan's block, he reminds him he's a phone call away if he needs anything. Then hugs him and won't let go. Brendon even thinks Jon tried to drag him back to his car. Brendon had to push him away for Jon to unhook his arms and pat Brendon's back encouragingly. His eyes clearly say 'don't you dare let him get to you Brendon.'
Brendon kept his key, so he enters Ryan's apartment, shaking from nerves. He looks around, searching for Ryan. He enters the living room and freezes because his Christmas tree, the one he put up the year before while Ryan was baking gingerbread cookies and making eggnog and singing carols and fucking a girl behind his back, is there, all bright and colorful and shining, in all of its glory as if the last year was just a dream.
He knows it's his. He recognizes the decorations - “Disney ones! Oh my god Ryan we are so buying and you won't stop me.” - and the slightly crooked star at the top of it (they were both to small to reach it so Ryan ended on Brendon's shoulder and almost fell in the tree).
He sees Ryan lying under it, a bottle of wine in his hand. Christmas carols are playing on his stereo, and he hears Ryan's faint voice singing along. He silently crosses the familiar room and, sighing, he gets on the floor and lies next to Ryan. He grabs the bottle and takes a sip of it. Brendon ignores Ryan's stare and concentrates on the flashing lights over his head, trying to imagine he's five years old and in his parents' living room.
"I'm sorry." Ryan's voice is a whisper.
"It's about time." Brendon says and bites his lip, because that was rude and he doesn't really mean it.
"The tree's been there since last year. I never unmade it."
"You're ridiculous."
"I told you it was a good idea to get a fake one." Ryan says, apparently oblivious to everything Brendon might say.
"Real ones smell better."
"But we wouldn't be lying there if we had listened to you, because the real one would be rotten and I wouldn't have made one this year." His tone his sharp and hard and Brendon kind of preferred being ignored after all.
"What was her opinion on it? Was she a fake or a natural? I guess she was a fake, just like you." Brendon spits and Ryan takes the bottle out of Brendon's hand and drinks.
"Leave her out of this."
Brendon snorts and jerks the bottle out of Ryan's hand, but it's empty.
"Fucker, you could have let me some."
"Fucker, you could have said something instead of letting me push you away like I did last year." Ryan snaps and Brendon gets up, because he didn't come to be reminded of last year.
Ryan follows him and holds his arm as Brendon heads for the front door.
"Let me go. That's all you wanted last year." Brendon whispers, because if he speaks louder, he'll cry. It wasn't supposed to happen. Ryan was not supposed to want him back. He should have let Jon drag him to his car.
"No." Comes Ryan's whispered answer, and Brendon turns around in a flash and glares through his tears at Ryan.
"No? Fuck you Ross! You told me to get the fuck out of your life, that you were sick of me and of everything I did! You broke up! On Christmas day!"
"I was testing you, oh my god! I thought you knew me enough by then! You know me! You know I always test the people I love to see if they'll come back!"
"And the girl? You had booked my flight a week before you broke up." Brendon's crying now, because no, no, no, it can be true, he can't be that blind.
"I had planned for us to go see your parents and Spencer for Christmas. I waited for you to come back for hours. I called Jon, and Pete, to see if you called them or something. I was expecting you to come back and you know, just ask if we were okay now. You never came Brendon, and I cried so fucking much I think I broke vessels in my brains.”
"The girl Ryan. The girl!"
"I lied! Come on, you think I would have cheated on you for real? Brendon! You're like the fucking sun; you blind me! I can't see anyone else when I have you! I don't need anyone else than you!" (Before his mind processes what Ryan said, he can't help but notice that after all, Ryan might not be the best one to give him metaphor lessons.)
Brendon's speechless, because he's rewinding the whole year in his head and now he understands Ryan's attitude. He was acting as if Brendon had broken up, not him.
"You never understood I was testing you." Ryan says in a gasp. "You thought I really broke up with you. That's why you were so. So broken." Ryan's eyes fill with tears and Brendon finds himself hugging him.
"You're a motherfucking idiot Ross."
"I know, right?" Ryan chuckles through his tears and hugs Brendon back. "I'm so sorry. You must hate me."
"I hated you for the last year. Not so much now. I mean, it's all a big misunderstanding, and you're not a heartless cheating bitch, so everything will be fine. I brought like two pounds of my mother's gingerbread cookies. You want some?" Ryan smiles at Brendon and nods, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.
“...you just heard 'I'll Be Home For Christmas'! Now on with the weather forecast, Suzie?”
“Today's the perfect day to cuddle in front of a fireplace, as temperatures will lower to -15ºF with eighty percent chances of a snow storm. Tomorrow...”
They entwine their hands and beam at each other through wet eyes and that dizzy post-crying feeling, and when they kiss it tastes of cold Christmas day and love.
