Christmas is Overrated, Anyway
Dec. 24th, 2009 01:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fleurdeliseebckpTitle: Christmas is Overrated, Anyway
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
fleurdelisee
Word Count: ~3,300
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Ryan/Brendon
POV: 3rd, Ryan centered
Summary: Putting up the tree was the most anti-climactic moment of Ryan’s entire life.
Disclaimer: Never happened as far as I know. If you stumbled upon this by Googling your name (seriously, don't you know it was a bad idea?), please, for the love of everything that's good, go away.
Beta:devilswhore_x
Author Notes: Merry Christmas! It’s kind of bittersweet; definitely not what I had planned but I still love it. Many of the ideas in this come from my wonderful beta,devilswhore_x, who convinced me this idea needed to be developed. It was originally supposed to be two different stories but I managed to make them fit together and make it work. I hope you’ll enjoy it!
Ryan shifted in his seat, sighing. Spencer had said getting there one hour early was excessive. He said he wouldn’t have to worry about getting a front row seat, that Brendon had probably reserved it for him weeks ago.
He rolled his eyes as he saw that only ten minutes had passed since the last time he glanced at his phone. The show was supposed to begin in half an hour but it was a school show. There was no way it was going to start on time. He had been waiting for nearly an hour, he was completely bored out of his mind.
The room was filling up with more and more people as time went by, and at around two, the auditorium was completely full, the loud conversations making Ryan’s head hurt. Also, as every single school auditorium seemed to be, it was way too hot to bear - the air thick, heavy and hot. He could feel himself sweating under the thin cotton of his shirt and he sighed. The woman sitting next to him was taking the entire armrest while the man on his other side was so large he took probably half of Ryan’s seat as well as the armrest. He also smelled of onions, breathed like he had severe asthma and had the hugest mustache Ryan had ever seen on someone in his entire life.
To his relief, the lights went off only fifteen minutes late and the room grew quiet, apart from the occasional cough. The first half of the show was pretty boring and lacked Brendon, Ryan thought. He would have dozed off if the woman to his left would have stopped whispering manically every time her daughter was on stage, or if the man would have stopped elbowing him in the side every time he applauded.
By the intermission, Ryan was ready to leave. Only the fact that Brendon’s name was next to every song of the second half of the show kept him glued to his seat. He knew he only sang in three, the other ones he was only part of the band, but just to see him up on that stage would be enough for Ryan. Yes, he liked to look at his boyfriend but it was also because Brendon looked so genuinely happy when he was performing that Ryan couldn’t help but feel his heart swelling with pride. A big part though, was just from the things looking at Brendon did to him. Hormones.
The lights went down again, saving Ryan from being crushed by the man and woman now talking to each other and leaning over Ryan. He straightened on his seat as much as he could with the space he was given. The second he saw Brendon on stage, a large grin appeared on his face and he didn’t even try to hide it. As long as the first half of the show had seemed to last, the second went by in a blink. Brendon’s solo song (Happy Christmas (War Is Over)) did, however, seem to stop time. Ryan couldn’t tear his eyes from the stage, couldn’t blink, couldn’t remember that there were other people around him and he definitely didn’t care that he was now sitting on the edge of his seat.
He was barely out of the auditorium when he felt a hand wrap around his wrist. He was pulled through the crowd and Brendon didn’t slow down until they reached a quiet hallway. Once there, Brendon wrapped him in a bone crushing hug, apparently trying to crawl into Ryan’s skin.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you. You came. I can’t believe you came,” he repeated over and over again in Ryan’s neck, and the desperation of it broke the older boy’s heart.
“Of course I came, like I would miss this, miss you,” Ryan smiled.
“They weren’t there,” Brendon whispered.
Ryan withdrew his arms from around Brendon’s waist and took his face in his hands, locking his eyes with the glistening ones of his boyfriend. He wiped a single tear with his thumb and leaned forward to press a kiss on Brendon’s shaking lips. He was trying to come up with words but couldn’t find any that would comfort him. He was so afraid that nothing would make it feel better. Was it even possible?
Ryan was used to ghost-like parents; Brendon, on the other hand, grew up with a mom and dad who always attended to school events. Ryan was pretty sure it wouldn’t be as bad for Brendon if it weren’t Christmas. Everything seemed bigger around Christmas. The joys were brighter; the despair deeper.
So he just rested his forehead against Brendon’s and played with the hair at the base of his skull.
“It’s their loss,” he finally let out in a barely audible whisper, still unsure of how Brendon would react to his words. “You were brilliant up there, breathtaking.”
Brendon nodded and sniffed, taking a step back and forcing a smile unto his lips.
“Yeah, I noticed you. One of my friends from the band told me I had a fangirl in the crowd.”
Ryan rolled his eyes and flattened his hair. A small group of people walked past them, some of them congratulating Brendon and wishing him a merry Christmas. He saw Brendon wince and linked his fingers with his to give him support.
“Let’s get out of here,” Ryan snapped when more people seemed to show interest in wishing Brendon happy holidays.
Brendon nodded swiftly and asked for Ryan to wait him in his car, that he had stuff to take from the dressing room. The ride to Brendon’s apartment was particularly quiet and Ryan could see that his boyfriend was in a bad mood.
Since the beginning of December, Brendon’s mood had plummeted to never seen before lows and Ryan would be worried if he didn’t understand it too well. Memories of grey Christmas mornings spent alone, unwrapping his scarce gifts while the usual stale smell of alcohol floated around the house, while his father was too hangover to come down the stairs and celebrate a day that should be magical to everyone with his only son, his only family came back to Ryan, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. It had always given him the feeling he didn’t deserve the happiness everyone seemed to live around him at that time of the year, leading him to dislike everything related to Christmas.
He was ready to do everything he could to spare Brendon this.
-
Ryan cursed under his breath as he fought with a beat up cardboard box, trying to haul it up the steep staircase of Brendon’s apartment building. The fourth floor neighbor opened his door and proceeded to rest against his doorsill, watching Ryan struggle with an amused smirk on his face. Ryan was about to snap at him when he remembered that it was the man who made a point of banging on his ceiling with a broomstick every time they had sex. Instead, he glared at him and continued his long ascension to the fifth floor of the building.
Putting up the tree was the most anti-climactic moment of Ryan’s entire life. What he remembered to be a healthy-looking, glorious Christmas tree turned out to be nothing more than a metal pole with flimsy little twigs of a grayish shade of green sticking out of it. It even had a faint smell of spoiled wine hanging around it.
Sighing deeply, he tried to shake off the tight feeling in his chest at seeing one of the most important parts of his plan to give Brendon some sort of Christmas falling into fermented grapes smelling pieces.
He decorated it the best he could with what he had, which was also a lot less impressive than he remembered, and was somehow pretty satisfied with the result. Yes, it kind of leaned on one side because the base was broken. And yes, most of the lights were burned out and the tinsel had known better days - but it still was a Christmas tree. It was always better than leaving Brendon’s gift under the coat hanger.
The next step was to hang more tinsel around the house, this time brand new tinsel, and that went particularly well. That is, if you don’t count the seven hundred staples Ryan managed to injure himself with, or the time he fell off a kitchen chair and burnt his elbows on the stained carpet, thankful that no one saw him until he heard a roar of laughter coming from downstairs. Once he was done, though, the golden and red decorations filling the apartment lifted his mood considerably. It gave Brendon’s crappy apartment a sense of comfort and home that the chilly, moldy place never had before.
Once decorating was done with, he quickly left for the grocery store before Brendon’s shift ended.
He always thought people exaggerated what shops looked like on December 24th. Well, he didn’t give them enough credit. Jesus fucking Christ. He had never seen so many people in such a small place. He had to literally fight his way through the crowd and sure enough, when he arrived to the freezer, a soccer mom had grabbed the last turkey a nanosecond before he spotted it. He thought of using what Spencer calls his street urchin look to talk her into giving it to him before he realized he didn’t actually know what to do with a fucking turkey. And that Brendon didn’t own an oven. He decided to try finding a microwavable meat pie but the display was empty. He even asked the clerk to go check he if had some back store but the guy pointedly ignored him. Running late on his schedule, Ryan had to settle for a tray of lasagna and cinnamon buns. A container of the cheapest eggnog available would complete their Christmas meal; Ryan kind of felt like crying.
He made one last dash for Brendon’s apartment to put the food in the fridge and put his gift under the tree before he remembered he forgot to rent a Christmas movie. Cursing loudly as he raced down the five stories, he ran for the nearest movie rental shop. His heart stopped beating when he saw that every possible Christmas movie was out. Even the few movies that sort of mentioned Christmas, like Edward Scissorhands and Home Alone – whichever one of the three, he couldn’t remember – were out. The only one left, as the bored looking teenager assured him, was Mean Girls. He stared at her in disbelief. He was about to walk out when he remember that the only movies Brendon had on his laptop were The Matrix, The Italian Job and Zoolander. Sighing in despair, he rented it and once again made his way up the five stories to drop it on Brendon’s bed before jumping in his car.
He stopped in front of the Smoothie Hut, sweaty and well ready to go to bed from all the running he spent the entire day doing.
Brendon came out of the shop looking exhausted and moody. The feeling was confirmed when he slammed the car door shut and grunted when it stayed open. Ryan bit the inside of his cheeks to stop himself from reminding Brendon that the door refuses to close when shut firmly.
“I have a surprise for you,” Ryan said, glancing at Brendon with a smile.
“Yeah, whatever,” he mumbled and rested his head against the window, closing his eyes.
Ryan reached and linked his fingers with Brendon’s. He frowned when Brendon didn’t squeeze back.
“You go up first,” he told the boy, pushing him slightly up the stairs.
Brendon huffed and began ascending slowly, each step looking like he was in terrible pain. Once he reached his doorstep, Ryan was nearly bouncing on the balls of his toes while he waited for Brendon to unlock the door.
Brendon loudly gasped as he entered his apartment. He dropped his bag to the floor, gaping around the place. Ryan shut the door behind them and grinned until his face hurt at the face Brendon was making as he looked around.
“You –” he began but then he seemed to notice the tree. “What the fuck is this?” he asked, looking like he was about to burst out laughing. “Did you make it yourself?”
“It’s the one we used to put up at my place,” Ryan muttered. “It kinds of smells of stale wine and looks like it survived a nuclear war but I thought you’d enjoy having a Christmas tree.”
“Oh my god, how did you get up there?” Brendon chimed in, obviously trying to make up for his negative comment. “Did you climb up on the counter? And you’re still alive and in one piece?”
“Your confidence in me is impressive,” Ryan snapped, still deflated.
Brendon turned to face him at once and hugged him tightly.
“Thank you so much, Ry,” he whispered. “Thank you for your effort. I’m in a bad mood, ignore me.”
Ryan nodded and Brendon kissed him quickly before heading for the fridge.
“I’m hungry as hell. Are there some leftovers for last night’s Chinese?”
“Oh, um, no, I ate that for lunch. But I bought something for Christmas.”
“Really?” Brendon beamed.
“Well, it’s lasagna. There was nothing else left. We have eggnog, though. And cinnamon buns.”
Ryan saw the shadow of disappointment on Brendon’s face but it was soon erased by his smile. He took the tray and put it in the microwave with way too much enthusiasm but Ryan decided that even feigned happiness would be better than nothing; he couldn’t expect much from someone who went from picture perfect Christmases to one spent in a dirty apartment with parents who didn’t want to recognize him as their son anymore.
Once the food was eaten and Ryan had ignored the wince Brendon made as he drank his first sip of the eggnog – he himself was disgusted by it but his pride refused to let him admit it – they took the buns with them on the bed and Brendon pulled his laptop towards him. Ryan had told him he had rented a movie; he just hadn’t told him which one.
“Mean Girls?” Brendon deadpanned, staring at the box now resting in his lap.
“There was nothing else available,” Ryan said quietly, focused on his hands to avoid Brendon’s eyes.
“It’s okay,” the other boy replied as quietly, putting the movie in the DVD player.
Ryan could imagine all the things Brendon refused to say, all the deception he was keeping inside not to hurt his boyfriend’s feelings and it made him feel sick to the stomach – it could be the eggnog, too, which really tasted weird, but he was pretty sure it was something else, something worse.
They grabbed all the covers and pillows they could find and built themselves a small nest to cuddle in while watching the movie. Brendon had wrapped himself around Ryan, who in turn was stroking his back in soothing circles. As the movie went on, Ryan felt, for the first time, regret that Brendon didn’t own a television set. Even if he could never stand A Charlie Brown Christmas, it still would have been better than having to watch something as not-Christmas-related as Mean Girls.
Brendon pushed his computer away once the credits began. He pressed a lazy kiss on Ryan’s jaw before stretching and yawning loudly. It was twenty to midnight and he saw how Brendon’s face fell when he saw the time. The younger boy was still clinging to him, his fingers threaded in Ryan’s shirt as though to remind him he was not alone.
“How would it be, if you were with them?” Ryan asked softly, deciding that if Brendon needed to talk about it, he would let him, even if it would break his heart to hear the sadness in his lover’s voice.
“It doesn’t matter, I’m not.”
“I think,” Ryan began carefully, sliding down the wall to rest against a pillow and bring Brendon even closer, “that maybe it would make you feel better if you talked about it. Spencer - he always tells me it’s not good to keep it all bottled up; that I hurt myself doing it. So you should let it out. I think. ”
Brendon nodded and balled his fist in Ryan’s shirt, breathing in deeply.
“The adults would have put the kids in bed after dinner, so they are asleep when midnight rolls in. During that time, we would all be in the living room, discussing and listening to Christmas carols. The tree would be decorated with gold and red and it would have been my year to put the star at the top. When they would have been sure the kids were asleep, my brothers and my dad would have taken the gifts out of the basement and put them under the tree. Someone would have eaten the cookies and milk. When midnight rolled in, my sister and sisters-in-law would have gone to wake their kids and tell them Santa came. The kids would have come rushing into the living room and their eyes would have been glistening with joy and amazement. And -”
Brendon stopped, taking a deep breath and moving closer to Ryan.
“How would it have been for you?”
Ryan laughed hollowly and shrugged.
“My dad would have gone out with his friends all night. I would have been watching movies on the television until I fell asleep in front of the it. The next morning, my dad would have maybe done an effort to come downstairs and offer me his gift, something I would have hated, something he would have given to the son he wish I was. Then he would have taken me to IHOP so we could have breakfast together before going to work. He always works on Christmas. I think he does it to forget my mom’s not there anymore. I haven’t had a real Christmas since she left.”
Brendon kissed his jaw once before nuzzling his neck.
“I never realized I had it so good.”
From somewhere in the building, loud cheers and applauses indicated them it was midnight.
“Merry Christmas,” Ryan whispered in Brendon’s ear.
“Merry Christmas. I’m glad I’m spending it with you.”
“Don’t lie.”
“I’m not. Christmas is about love and I’m spending it with the one person I love the most. And look at what you did! It’s absolutely -”
“It’s shit,” Ryan cut in.
“It’s absolutely amazing. Yes, the tree looks like you found it in someone’s garbage bin and we had terrible food and, well the movie was quite good, but I don’t care. It’s the effort you put in . No one has worked this hard for me before.”
Ryan shrugged again, feeling something heavy lift off his chest as Brendon kept complimenting him.
“It’s our first Christmas together. We’ll just have to make the next one better.”
And even though he could still hear the sadness Brendon tried to hide at the back of his voice, Ryan nodded and decided it was the best Christmas he had ever spent; cuddled on an uncomfortable mattress in a cold apartment with a beat up Christmas tree, with the only person who he ever felt truly loved by.
Other Stories.
Author:
fleurdeliseeWord Count: ~3,300
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Ryan/Brendon
POV: 3rd, Ryan centered
Summary: Putting up the tree was the most anti-climactic moment of Ryan’s entire life.
Disclaimer: Never happened as far as I know. If you stumbled upon this by Googling your name (seriously, don't you know it was a bad idea?), please, for the love of everything that's good, go away.
Beta:
devilswhore_xAuthor Notes: Merry Christmas! It’s kind of bittersweet; definitely not what I had planned but I still love it. Many of the ideas in this come from my wonderful beta,
devilswhore_x, who convinced me this idea needed to be developed. It was originally supposed to be two different stories but I managed to make them fit together and make it work. I hope you’ll enjoy it!Ryan shifted in his seat, sighing. Spencer had said getting there one hour early was excessive. He said he wouldn’t have to worry about getting a front row seat, that Brendon had probably reserved it for him weeks ago.
He rolled his eyes as he saw that only ten minutes had passed since the last time he glanced at his phone. The show was supposed to begin in half an hour but it was a school show. There was no way it was going to start on time. He had been waiting for nearly an hour, he was completely bored out of his mind.
The room was filling up with more and more people as time went by, and at around two, the auditorium was completely full, the loud conversations making Ryan’s head hurt. Also, as every single school auditorium seemed to be, it was way too hot to bear - the air thick, heavy and hot. He could feel himself sweating under the thin cotton of his shirt and he sighed. The woman sitting next to him was taking the entire armrest while the man on his other side was so large he took probably half of Ryan’s seat as well as the armrest. He also smelled of onions, breathed like he had severe asthma and had the hugest mustache Ryan had ever seen on someone in his entire life.
To his relief, the lights went off only fifteen minutes late and the room grew quiet, apart from the occasional cough. The first half of the show was pretty boring and lacked Brendon, Ryan thought. He would have dozed off if the woman to his left would have stopped whispering manically every time her daughter was on stage, or if the man would have stopped elbowing him in the side every time he applauded.
By the intermission, Ryan was ready to leave. Only the fact that Brendon’s name was next to every song of the second half of the show kept him glued to his seat. He knew he only sang in three, the other ones he was only part of the band, but just to see him up on that stage would be enough for Ryan. Yes, he liked to look at his boyfriend but it was also because Brendon looked so genuinely happy when he was performing that Ryan couldn’t help but feel his heart swelling with pride. A big part though, was just from the things looking at Brendon did to him. Hormones.
The lights went down again, saving Ryan from being crushed by the man and woman now talking to each other and leaning over Ryan. He straightened on his seat as much as he could with the space he was given. The second he saw Brendon on stage, a large grin appeared on his face and he didn’t even try to hide it. As long as the first half of the show had seemed to last, the second went by in a blink. Brendon’s solo song (Happy Christmas (War Is Over)) did, however, seem to stop time. Ryan couldn’t tear his eyes from the stage, couldn’t blink, couldn’t remember that there were other people around him and he definitely didn’t care that he was now sitting on the edge of his seat.
He was barely out of the auditorium when he felt a hand wrap around his wrist. He was pulled through the crowd and Brendon didn’t slow down until they reached a quiet hallway. Once there, Brendon wrapped him in a bone crushing hug, apparently trying to crawl into Ryan’s skin.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you. You came. I can’t believe you came,” he repeated over and over again in Ryan’s neck, and the desperation of it broke the older boy’s heart.
“Of course I came, like I would miss this, miss you,” Ryan smiled.
“They weren’t there,” Brendon whispered.
Ryan withdrew his arms from around Brendon’s waist and took his face in his hands, locking his eyes with the glistening ones of his boyfriend. He wiped a single tear with his thumb and leaned forward to press a kiss on Brendon’s shaking lips. He was trying to come up with words but couldn’t find any that would comfort him. He was so afraid that nothing would make it feel better. Was it even possible?
Ryan was used to ghost-like parents; Brendon, on the other hand, grew up with a mom and dad who always attended to school events. Ryan was pretty sure it wouldn’t be as bad for Brendon if it weren’t Christmas. Everything seemed bigger around Christmas. The joys were brighter; the despair deeper.
So he just rested his forehead against Brendon’s and played with the hair at the base of his skull.
“It’s their loss,” he finally let out in a barely audible whisper, still unsure of how Brendon would react to his words. “You were brilliant up there, breathtaking.”
Brendon nodded and sniffed, taking a step back and forcing a smile unto his lips.
“Yeah, I noticed you. One of my friends from the band told me I had a fangirl in the crowd.”
Ryan rolled his eyes and flattened his hair. A small group of people walked past them, some of them congratulating Brendon and wishing him a merry Christmas. He saw Brendon wince and linked his fingers with his to give him support.
“Let’s get out of here,” Ryan snapped when more people seemed to show interest in wishing Brendon happy holidays.
Brendon nodded swiftly and asked for Ryan to wait him in his car, that he had stuff to take from the dressing room. The ride to Brendon’s apartment was particularly quiet and Ryan could see that his boyfriend was in a bad mood.
Since the beginning of December, Brendon’s mood had plummeted to never seen before lows and Ryan would be worried if he didn’t understand it too well. Memories of grey Christmas mornings spent alone, unwrapping his scarce gifts while the usual stale smell of alcohol floated around the house, while his father was too hangover to come down the stairs and celebrate a day that should be magical to everyone with his only son, his only family came back to Ryan, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. It had always given him the feeling he didn’t deserve the happiness everyone seemed to live around him at that time of the year, leading him to dislike everything related to Christmas.
He was ready to do everything he could to spare Brendon this.
-
Ryan cursed under his breath as he fought with a beat up cardboard box, trying to haul it up the steep staircase of Brendon’s apartment building. The fourth floor neighbor opened his door and proceeded to rest against his doorsill, watching Ryan struggle with an amused smirk on his face. Ryan was about to snap at him when he remembered that it was the man who made a point of banging on his ceiling with a broomstick every time they had sex. Instead, he glared at him and continued his long ascension to the fifth floor of the building.
Putting up the tree was the most anti-climactic moment of Ryan’s entire life. What he remembered to be a healthy-looking, glorious Christmas tree turned out to be nothing more than a metal pole with flimsy little twigs of a grayish shade of green sticking out of it. It even had a faint smell of spoiled wine hanging around it.
Sighing deeply, he tried to shake off the tight feeling in his chest at seeing one of the most important parts of his plan to give Brendon some sort of Christmas falling into fermented grapes smelling pieces.
He decorated it the best he could with what he had, which was also a lot less impressive than he remembered, and was somehow pretty satisfied with the result. Yes, it kind of leaned on one side because the base was broken. And yes, most of the lights were burned out and the tinsel had known better days - but it still was a Christmas tree. It was always better than leaving Brendon’s gift under the coat hanger.
The next step was to hang more tinsel around the house, this time brand new tinsel, and that went particularly well. That is, if you don’t count the seven hundred staples Ryan managed to injure himself with, or the time he fell off a kitchen chair and burnt his elbows on the stained carpet, thankful that no one saw him until he heard a roar of laughter coming from downstairs. Once he was done, though, the golden and red decorations filling the apartment lifted his mood considerably. It gave Brendon’s crappy apartment a sense of comfort and home that the chilly, moldy place never had before.
Once decorating was done with, he quickly left for the grocery store before Brendon’s shift ended.
He always thought people exaggerated what shops looked like on December 24th. Well, he didn’t give them enough credit. Jesus fucking Christ. He had never seen so many people in such a small place. He had to literally fight his way through the crowd and sure enough, when he arrived to the freezer, a soccer mom had grabbed the last turkey a nanosecond before he spotted it. He thought of using what Spencer calls his street urchin look to talk her into giving it to him before he realized he didn’t actually know what to do with a fucking turkey. And that Brendon didn’t own an oven. He decided to try finding a microwavable meat pie but the display was empty. He even asked the clerk to go check he if had some back store but the guy pointedly ignored him. Running late on his schedule, Ryan had to settle for a tray of lasagna and cinnamon buns. A container of the cheapest eggnog available would complete their Christmas meal; Ryan kind of felt like crying.
He made one last dash for Brendon’s apartment to put the food in the fridge and put his gift under the tree before he remembered he forgot to rent a Christmas movie. Cursing loudly as he raced down the five stories, he ran for the nearest movie rental shop. His heart stopped beating when he saw that every possible Christmas movie was out. Even the few movies that sort of mentioned Christmas, like Edward Scissorhands and Home Alone – whichever one of the three, he couldn’t remember – were out. The only one left, as the bored looking teenager assured him, was Mean Girls. He stared at her in disbelief. He was about to walk out when he remember that the only movies Brendon had on his laptop were The Matrix, The Italian Job and Zoolander. Sighing in despair, he rented it and once again made his way up the five stories to drop it on Brendon’s bed before jumping in his car.
He stopped in front of the Smoothie Hut, sweaty and well ready to go to bed from all the running he spent the entire day doing.
Brendon came out of the shop looking exhausted and moody. The feeling was confirmed when he slammed the car door shut and grunted when it stayed open. Ryan bit the inside of his cheeks to stop himself from reminding Brendon that the door refuses to close when shut firmly.
“I have a surprise for you,” Ryan said, glancing at Brendon with a smile.
“Yeah, whatever,” he mumbled and rested his head against the window, closing his eyes.
Ryan reached and linked his fingers with Brendon’s. He frowned when Brendon didn’t squeeze back.
“You go up first,” he told the boy, pushing him slightly up the stairs.
Brendon huffed and began ascending slowly, each step looking like he was in terrible pain. Once he reached his doorstep, Ryan was nearly bouncing on the balls of his toes while he waited for Brendon to unlock the door.
Brendon loudly gasped as he entered his apartment. He dropped his bag to the floor, gaping around the place. Ryan shut the door behind them and grinned until his face hurt at the face Brendon was making as he looked around.
“You –” he began but then he seemed to notice the tree. “What the fuck is this?” he asked, looking like he was about to burst out laughing. “Did you make it yourself?”
“It’s the one we used to put up at my place,” Ryan muttered. “It kinds of smells of stale wine and looks like it survived a nuclear war but I thought you’d enjoy having a Christmas tree.”
“Oh my god, how did you get up there?” Brendon chimed in, obviously trying to make up for his negative comment. “Did you climb up on the counter? And you’re still alive and in one piece?”
“Your confidence in me is impressive,” Ryan snapped, still deflated.
Brendon turned to face him at once and hugged him tightly.
“Thank you so much, Ry,” he whispered. “Thank you for your effort. I’m in a bad mood, ignore me.”
Ryan nodded and Brendon kissed him quickly before heading for the fridge.
“I’m hungry as hell. Are there some leftovers for last night’s Chinese?”
“Oh, um, no, I ate that for lunch. But I bought something for Christmas.”
“Really?” Brendon beamed.
“Well, it’s lasagna. There was nothing else left. We have eggnog, though. And cinnamon buns.”
Ryan saw the shadow of disappointment on Brendon’s face but it was soon erased by his smile. He took the tray and put it in the microwave with way too much enthusiasm but Ryan decided that even feigned happiness would be better than nothing; he couldn’t expect much from someone who went from picture perfect Christmases to one spent in a dirty apartment with parents who didn’t want to recognize him as their son anymore.
Once the food was eaten and Ryan had ignored the wince Brendon made as he drank his first sip of the eggnog – he himself was disgusted by it but his pride refused to let him admit it – they took the buns with them on the bed and Brendon pulled his laptop towards him. Ryan had told him he had rented a movie; he just hadn’t told him which one.
“Mean Girls?” Brendon deadpanned, staring at the box now resting in his lap.
“There was nothing else available,” Ryan said quietly, focused on his hands to avoid Brendon’s eyes.
“It’s okay,” the other boy replied as quietly, putting the movie in the DVD player.
Ryan could imagine all the things Brendon refused to say, all the deception he was keeping inside not to hurt his boyfriend’s feelings and it made him feel sick to the stomach – it could be the eggnog, too, which really tasted weird, but he was pretty sure it was something else, something worse.
They grabbed all the covers and pillows they could find and built themselves a small nest to cuddle in while watching the movie. Brendon had wrapped himself around Ryan, who in turn was stroking his back in soothing circles. As the movie went on, Ryan felt, for the first time, regret that Brendon didn’t own a television set. Even if he could never stand A Charlie Brown Christmas, it still would have been better than having to watch something as not-Christmas-related as Mean Girls.
Brendon pushed his computer away once the credits began. He pressed a lazy kiss on Ryan’s jaw before stretching and yawning loudly. It was twenty to midnight and he saw how Brendon’s face fell when he saw the time. The younger boy was still clinging to him, his fingers threaded in Ryan’s shirt as though to remind him he was not alone.
“How would it be, if you were with them?” Ryan asked softly, deciding that if Brendon needed to talk about it, he would let him, even if it would break his heart to hear the sadness in his lover’s voice.
“It doesn’t matter, I’m not.”
“I think,” Ryan began carefully, sliding down the wall to rest against a pillow and bring Brendon even closer, “that maybe it would make you feel better if you talked about it. Spencer - he always tells me it’s not good to keep it all bottled up; that I hurt myself doing it. So you should let it out. I think. ”
Brendon nodded and balled his fist in Ryan’s shirt, breathing in deeply.
“The adults would have put the kids in bed after dinner, so they are asleep when midnight rolls in. During that time, we would all be in the living room, discussing and listening to Christmas carols. The tree would be decorated with gold and red and it would have been my year to put the star at the top. When they would have been sure the kids were asleep, my brothers and my dad would have taken the gifts out of the basement and put them under the tree. Someone would have eaten the cookies and milk. When midnight rolled in, my sister and sisters-in-law would have gone to wake their kids and tell them Santa came. The kids would have come rushing into the living room and their eyes would have been glistening with joy and amazement. And -”
Brendon stopped, taking a deep breath and moving closer to Ryan.
“How would it have been for you?”
Ryan laughed hollowly and shrugged.
“My dad would have gone out with his friends all night. I would have been watching movies on the television until I fell asleep in front of the it. The next morning, my dad would have maybe done an effort to come downstairs and offer me his gift, something I would have hated, something he would have given to the son he wish I was. Then he would have taken me to IHOP so we could have breakfast together before going to work. He always works on Christmas. I think he does it to forget my mom’s not there anymore. I haven’t had a real Christmas since she left.”
Brendon kissed his jaw once before nuzzling his neck.
“I never realized I had it so good.”
From somewhere in the building, loud cheers and applauses indicated them it was midnight.
“Merry Christmas,” Ryan whispered in Brendon’s ear.
“Merry Christmas. I’m glad I’m spending it with you.”
“Don’t lie.”
“I’m not. Christmas is about love and I’m spending it with the one person I love the most. And look at what you did! It’s absolutely -”
“It’s shit,” Ryan cut in.
“It’s absolutely amazing. Yes, the tree looks like you found it in someone’s garbage bin and we had terrible food and, well the movie was quite good, but I don’t care. It’s the effort you put in . No one has worked this hard for me before.”
Ryan shrugged again, feeling something heavy lift off his chest as Brendon kept complimenting him.
“It’s our first Christmas together. We’ll just have to make the next one better.”
And even though he could still hear the sadness Brendon tried to hide at the back of his voice, Ryan nodded and decided it was the best Christmas he had ever spent; cuddled on an uncomfortable mattress in a cold apartment with a beat up Christmas tree, with the only person who he ever felt truly loved by.
Other Stories.
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no subject
Date: 2009-12-24 06:28 pm (UTC)People keep slaying me with their Christmas cheer! It's beautiful. It was realistic and kind of sad, but still. All you need is love, right? :) I liked this very much. It made me feel all fuzzy.
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Date: 2009-12-26 05:32 pm (UTC)<3
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Date: 2009-12-24 06:36 pm (UTC)i liked how this was kind of bittersweet, but at the same time, it wasn't quite too sad, you know...? ugh what am i talking about lol
It was awesome, Ryan's hard work made me want to squeeze him
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Date: 2009-12-26 05:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-24 07:27 pm (UTC)Personally i was getting tired of all the christmas fluff... so this was really good to me.
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Date: 2009-12-26 05:33 pm (UTC)The worse is, I wanted to make it fluffy, it just turned out wrong :P
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Date: 2009-12-25 07:36 am (UTC)GUH.
OH, and I got your Christmas card today! It was awesome and cute! <3 My mom also told me to tell you that our family friend Patty already covered our house with glitter. :P Well, technically it's confetti, but whatever. xD
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Date: 2009-12-26 05:34 pm (UTC)I'm glad you enjoyed it! <3 Oh, confetti are bitches to clean <.
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Date: 2009-12-26 06:20 pm (UTC)LOL yes it is, but every birthday/Christmas/holiday/random letter we get from her is FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH SPARKLE AND GLITTER AND SHINY CONFETTI. XDDD It's so much fun. :P
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Date: 2009-12-25 03:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-26 05:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-25 08:18 pm (UTC)i'm not even sure if cute's a good enough word for it!
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Date: 2009-12-26 05:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-25 11:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-26 05:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-26 05:35 pm (UTC)Merry Christmas to you too!!
<3
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Date: 2009-12-26 01:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-26 05:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-26 05:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-26 05:36 pm (UTC)I'm glad you enjoyed it!
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Date: 2010-03-02 05:19 pm (UTC)This one is probably my new favorite.
Excellent Caro!! :D
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Date: 2010-03-02 06:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-17 08:37 pm (UTC)It feels like a lifetime ago that I wrote this but I'm glad you enjoyed it :)